Walk a Mile in Their Shoes (Post #14)

So far, we have been reviewing material written mostly by people over the age of 50 as the sources of our blogposts on the social science of relationships. One piece of feedback we received was, “This all seems good, but all these books and stuff, aren’t they a bit…you know…old fashioned?” Alright, point taken. So today we turn to Mark Manson, blogger extraordinaire at a very hip 30 years old.

Neuroscience! Ooh. Aah.

Turns out one of Mark’s keys to successful relationships is very old fashioned: compassion. But he does a little better than just throwing out the over-used ‘c’ word in his e-book. He points to neuroscience – very new age! – and observes that our brain functions such that we make decisions based on emotion FIRST and then consciously rationalize these decisions and look for evidence to support them. Mark backs this by talking about the amygdala and whatnot – in short, neuroscience. 

So even though his advice can be boiled down to the old phrase, “Before you criticize a man (or woman), walk a mile in his shoes,” it’s based on science. We promise.

The key to relationships, then, is to try to understand the other person’s emotional needs. Rather than observing and reacting only to WHAT they do, really try to understand WHY they do it. You may have known your partner long enough that you feel like understanding the WHY is automatic. It’s not. At least for most of us.

To put this in practice Mark suggests two tools. The first is very simple: just ask yourself why. Repeatedly. The first time you ask ‘why’ your response may be more a projection of your own rationalizations than your partners. So ask ‘why’ a few times, as follows:

Why did she get mad when I canceled our date to stay at the office?
 Because she doesn’t appreciate how important this deal is and what my boss would do if I turned in sloppy work.

Why doesn’t she appreciate how important the deal is?
Because she doesn’t know what I know

Why doesn’t she know what I know?
Because I didn’t tell her about what my boss said or what the client said, I just said work was busy and I have to stay late.

Write some letters in the "1-2-3 Shadow Exercise"
to develop empathy for the other person's perspective.
Quill pen optional.

For major conflicts, Mark suggests a more elaborate intervention, sourced from a workshop by the Ken Wilber. It’s called “1-2-3 Shadow Exercise” and involved writing a series of three letters. First, write a letter to your partner (or whomever you have a conflict with) being 100% honest while describing how you feel. Don’t hold anything back; throw in a few f bombs if you need to. No one is ever going to see the letter. Then, write a second letter responding to yourself from their perspective of the issue. This is the tricky part, but now that you have your written thoughts to respond to, getting into “their shoes” might be a bit easier. Finally, write a third letter, this time from an objective third-party perspective.

Hopefully these conflict resolutions skills help. It’s all about moving past responding to the WHAT and getting to the WHY. If you find this interesting (even if you don't, it's probably because I summarized it poorly), I highly recommend reading Mark Manson's e-book on relationships, available for free on his website.

Also see: Post #13 on the three elements of a strong relationship.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

Shadow Comforts and Sliding Doors (Post #13)

When relationships fall apart, we often hear about the big events – someone cheating, a clash over the children – and assume those were the triggers. In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown argues that the real reason relationships thrive or flounder is much less dramatic: the day-to-day decision to engage or disengage.

For most people stuffing your face with
chocolates is a "shadow comfort"

One form of disengagement is to numb emotion. Numbing behaviors include reliance on “shadow” comforts, or things we do to soothe ourselves and avoid emotions. In her book The Life Organizer, author Jennifer Louden writes “Shadow comforts take any form. It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness – a real comfort – or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself. You can chat on message boards for half an hour and be energized by community and ready to go back to work, or you can chat on message boards because you’re avoiding talking to your partner about how angry he or she made you last night.” While the occasional shadow comfort won’t destroy a relationship, regularly engaging in them can erode the foundation of trust and connection.

But it’s not enough to avoid disengagement, you must also build trust by regularly choosing to engage. For that, we introduce John Gottman’s concept of Sliding Doors. I really can’t say it better than him, so here are his words from the book The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples:

“What I’ve found through research is that trust is built in very small moments, which I call “sliding door” moments, after the movie Sliding Doors. In any interaction there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.
Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship. One night I really wanted to finish a mystery novel. I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out. At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom. As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife’s face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair. There was a sliding door moment. I had a choice. I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, I don’t want to deal with her sadness tonight; I want to read my novel. But instead, because I’m a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom. I took the brush from her hair and asked, ‘What’s the matter, baby?’ And she told me why she was sad.Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her. I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think about what I wanted. These are the moments, we’ve discovered, that build trust.”   

I’ll just close by noting that Gottman’s example, as far as I can tell, doesn’t involve a shadow comfort. He wasn’t reading the mystery novel in order to avoid his wife or other feelings. BUT he still made the decision to forego a real comfort in order to connect with his wife. It’s these day-to-day decisions to build trust – by minimizing shadow comforts and walking through the sliding doors – that result in thriving relationships.

Also see: Post #12 on the three elements of a strong relationship.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

The Three Elements of A Strong Relationship Foundation (Post #12)

**Michael Terrell, Founder of the Terrell Leadership Group, wrote the below guest post. Michael is a leadership guru for Millenialls, a generally awesome guy, and someone whose views on life and relationships I really respect.** 

Much like our stoutest physical structures, relationships that last have strong foundations. They have a solid bases that enable folks to weather storms and not sweat the small stuff that inevitably arises over time. Many of you who have been in close-knit relationships know what I mean. If you take a moment and close your eyes, you can probably think of those essential bricks that have comprised your relationship foundations over the years, bringing you resiliency, understanding, and joy.

Fortunately for all of us, Dr. John Gottman has developed a science-based perspective on what the strongest of these foundations looks like by creating a model called “The Sound Relationship House.” Described in detail in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman’s model has a three-part foundation that consists of: 1) Building Love Maps, 2) Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and 3) Turning Toward Emotional Bids. Allow me to briefly explain these concepts and their significance in building rooted, resilient relationships.

1. Building Love Maps - "Love Maps” may sound nice but are admittedly a little vague. What Gottman means here is that you should make an active and recurring effort to truly know the other person’s world. What’s most important to him? What are her dreams? What cheers him up most in the middle of a busy week? Having well-develop Love Maps means knowing the other person’s hopes and aspirations right along side their vulnerabilities and insecurities. When did she feel most embarrassed? What were his biggest regrets from that last job? How does she feel about death? Love Maps are the result of conversations powered by genuinely curious open-ended questions. Many couples informally construct these over years in an ad hoc way; others intentionally jump right into it on the first date. Regardless of the approach, taking the time to really understand and care about other person’s world is an essential component of creating closeness and building a strong foundation.

2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration - Self-descriptive, this practice falls into my “common sense isn’t common practice” bucket. We all know or can imagine how nice it is to feel acknowledged, appreciated, and loved by a partner, yet most of us can recount periods of time where we've felt un-acknowledged or under-appreciated. And often these moments are not the result of a big fight but rather our partner’s simple lack of expression over the course of routine life. Wake up y’all! In order for our partners to feel these warm-fuzzies, we have to share the fondness and appreciation we have for them in a way (or language) that is meaningful to them. We can do so in ways big and small, so long as our expressions are genuine. In order to improve on this front, consider these two steps: 1. Be intentional about what you scan for. Actively try to increase the amount of time you notice the positive in your partner, rather than the ways in which they’re falling short. 2. Take action around what you notice. Say something. Leave a note. Clean up the dishes. Hold the hug five seconds longer. It’s the taking action that shares your fondness with your partner. 

OK - you've got to admit THESE are some cool clouds

3. Turning Toward Emotional Bids - Simply put, the last element of Gottman’s foundation is: try to respond actively and constructively to your partner’s “bids” for connection. In Gottman’s research, many couples whose relationships were struggling had developed the habit of “turning away” (ignoring/changing the subject) or “turning against” (pushing back against) their partner’s offers for connection. For example, if I’m driving up the 101 and turn to my girlfriend and say, “Wow, looks at those cool clouds,” she has a few choices. She could busy herself with Instagram and say nothing — effectively turning away, or she could say, “Uh, I hate it when it’s cloudy” and turn against. In all likelihood, because she’s awesome and because we’ve had a few Gottman conversations, she’ll turn toward by looking up from her phone and saying something like, “Dang, those are cool. If we get home in time, maybe you can snag a sunset photo of them?” Simple but effective. Developing the habit of turning toward emotional bids means developing the habit of conveying to your partner “I hear and care about you.” What percent of bids would you say you turn toward?

When combined together, these three elements form a heck of a relationship base. In Gottman’s language, they help create Positive Sentiment Override, which enables couples to see their relationships positively, to view their problems as surmountable, and to disagree without criticizing. It’s a powerful combination—one that I hope you’ll explore in your relationships. I know continuing to do so has done wonders for mine.

Also see: Post #11 on the importance of novelty in relationships.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

New (and improved?)

I recently participated in an excursion to Cuba with a group that included five couples who have been married for at least four decades. All of the couples had traveled extensively, all over the world, through the US, or both. They shared their stories of visiting a daughter who was a Peace Corps volunteer in Benin, going to Rwanda to recruit young people to work with a non-profit in NYC, spending a three-day weekend in DC with friends from high school. One of the couples, a member of which was completely blind, had traveled to Ireland with their tandem bike for a cycling trip through the countryside.

I started wondering whether those relationships have lasted so long because the couples embrace new adventures together, or do the couples embrace new adventures together because they have good relationships and enjoy each other’s company. Were those individuals initially attracted to each other because they identified a kindred adventuresome spirit? Or did they nurture that quality in each other over the course of the relationship?

I engaged the couples in a conversation to try to learn more. In most cases, one member of the couple was more likely to suggest an adventure, and the other member agreed, usually enthusiastically, to participate. New adventures seemed to spur subsequent new adventures. As the couples’ financial resources increased over the course of their relationships, what may have manifested earlier in the relationship as willingness to try a new restaurant or drive a different route to the grocery store later emerged as a willingness to travel to an unfamiliar country. 

Studies suggest that couples who engage in novel activities together experience greater relationship quality and satisfaction than couples whose relationships tend toward the mundane. This is no surprise given that studies also show that engaging in new activities can contribute to an individual's happiness. Two happier individuals would make for a happier committed relationship. 

Embarking on novel or adventurous activities does not necessarily mean traveling with a partner to Cuba, though traveling to an unfamiliar place can be an excellent way to introduce adventure (and conversation) into a relationship. Novelty can take various forms, such as:

• switching sides of the bed
• taking a different route to a familiar destination
• holding hands in a different way (interlocking fingers versus palm-in-palm)
• playing cards or going for a walk instead of watching TV
• trying a new restaurant or a new recipe
• reading aloud to each other
• using a different kind of toothpaste
• taking a class together

The benefit will come not only from doing novel or adventurous things together but also talking about them and sharing your experience with each other.

I am compelled, however, to acknowledge couples like my grandparents whose 65-year marriage, at least on the surface, seems to have been wholly constructed on the mundane. They co-existed quite happily in their rural Appalachian home, rarely veering from their daily routine during the entire course of their marriage, right down to the daily breakfast of eggs, biscuits and gravy.

A future blog post may address the benefits to a relationship of establishing routines, which, of course, is not contrary to incorporating novelty and adventure.

For now, commit to trying at least one new thing, big or small, this week with your partner. And then talk with each other about your experience of newness.

Aron, A., Aron, E.N., Heyman, R.E., Norman, C., & McKenna, C. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousingactivities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 273-283.

Also see: Post #10 and Post #8 on optimism in relationships.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

Optimism and Relationships, Part Two (Post #10)

Have you ever “weather-proofed” a building? Weatherproofing is when you make something resistant to bad weather by looking for cracks. I just did this the other day in my chilly Boston bedroom to try to make the room warmer. 

Don't "weatherproof" your relationship

Humans also have a tendency to weather-proof relationships: consciously searching for cracks or weaknesses in their partner or in the relationship. But in the case of relationships, weatherproofing serves no purpose: it only makes the “bad weather” come sooner.

In Post #8 of the relaThrive blog, we covered the importance of optimism in relationships. So how do you do the opposite of weather-proofing and take advantage of positive emotions in a relationship? Social scientists suggest three options:

• Consciously try to extend positive emotions/events with your partner: When something good happens or your partner has good news, try to extend those positive emotions as much as possible. We covered some of the specifics in Post #2 and Post #3. A quick refresher: when something positive happens, pay attention. Ask probing questions rather than moving on quickly. For example, if your partner says their boss complimented them at work, acknowledge how important that might be. Ask questions about what exactly the boss said, and how that made your partner feel. Ask whether any one else heard and how they reacted.
• Identify more positive emotions/events: Try the “Three Blessings” Exercise. Every day, write down three good things that happened, and why. They can be small (“Traffic was breezy today”) or big; the point is just to get in the habit of noticing and capitalizing on good things. I know this sounds simple, and possibly hokey. If you’re skeptical, commit to doing it for just a short time – a week – and continue only if you like it. It works best if you agree to do it in pairs.
  

  

  
  

• Watch your language: Scientists have found that the language we use affects our mood. In studies in which people are asked to utter a string of negative words (“horrible,” “terrible,” “the worst”), their self-rating of mood is worse than people who utter a string of positive words (“fantastic,” “awesome,” “great”). This isn’t just a laboratory construct: in real conversations, some people have found to use a higher proportion of negative words than others. Ask your partner to monitor you for 3-5 negative words, and 3-5 positive words. You can make it fun: assign a reward (A kiss? An M&M?) for when you use the positive words.  

Also see: Post #9 on trust in relationships.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

The Importance of Trust in Relationships (Post #9)

Many times when couples are asked if they trust one another, they reply "Of course! I could never imagine that my partner would cheat on me." But the truth is that infidelity is not the only indicator of betrayal in a relationship. Obviously trust has to exist for the "big ticket items" of a relationship (i.e. Will my partner be faithful? Will my partner support my career successes?), but it also needs to exist on a day to day basis.

When a partner can trust their significant other to carry through on small promises (whether it be taking out the trash or hiring a babysitter), it signifies selflessness and a true ability for his/her significant other to be there for him/her. Trust is the foundation that allows the couple to work as a team.

Trust removes an enormous source of stress because it allows you to act with incomplete information. You don’t subject your mind and body to constant worry, so the complexity of your decision making plummets. -John Gottman & Nan Silver

Of course, trust cannot be built overnight. The phrase is "building trust" for a reason. For something to be built, it requires work, diligence, and patience. Here are three ways to build trust in a relationship:

1) Be open with your partner - Express to your partner what you need from them. Don't expect him or her to do the guess work to figure out what is important to you. This can help your partner understand what your expectations are and meet them better. On the flipside, don't be afraid to tell your partner no. If your partner asks you to do something, and you are not a fan of it, be upfront about it. The more that you communicate to your partner about your wants, needs, and limitations the easier it will be for your partner to trust you.

2) Be authentic - Show your partner your flaws and your insecurities. Chances are your partner will open up to you if you open up to them. If you can't be authentic with your partner, who can you be authentic with?

3) Accept that your partner will make mistakes - Have realistic expectations. Your partner is human after all. Although it is important for your partner to be there for you and work with you as a team, recognize that your partner might not always be able to meet all of your expectations and that's okay. At the end of the day, trust is learned and earned. Communicating to your partner about what is important to you will help them make those things their priorities too.

For more reading on trust in relationships, check out What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman and Nan Silver.

Optimism and Relationships, Part One (Post #8)

I must admit, I am a reluctant optimist.

Despite the caption in this picture, maybe realism
isn't always the best course in relationships.

Between the three choices of worldview – ‘pessimist,’ ‘realist,’ and ‘optimist,’ I used to aspire to be a realist. I did not want my perceptions to be biased by something imaginary; as a man of science I want to see things as they are. And, even though I find pessimism unappealing, scientists point out it has deep psychological underpinnings: our ancestors who prepared for the worst tended to do better when catastrophes hit (“it may be nice today, but I BET tomorrow a sabre-toothed tiger will show up tomorrow”).

But optimism can be quite useful. Especially for relationships.

First – optimism can be generally useful because happiness is highly contagious. 50 years ago, over 5,000 residents of Framingham, MA were surveyed for a number of indicators of physical and mental health; this data was collected regularly for a number of decades. Some of the indicators included measures of sadness, happiness and loneliness. Researchers found happiness was even more contagious than loneliness or depression – if Person A’s happiness went up at time 1, their next door neighbor’s (Person B) happiness would increase in time 2, and so do THEIR neighbor’s happiness (Person C), albeit to a lesser extent. In Flourish, Martin Seligman notes that this has significant implications for morale among groups, and a relationship is really nothing more than the most intimate of groups.

The above example equates optimism with happiness. They are not the same, but there is some research that suggests optimism about your partner can lead to happiness in a relationship.

In an analysis of 30 factors that impacted the future of 37,761 dating couples, the strongest predictor of long-term relationship success was positive mindset about one’s partner: more specifically, the perception that their partner is a great person, someone close to your vision of the ideal person for them. Social scientists refer to this belief as “positive illusions” (I wonder why it’s termed ‘illusion?’) or “partner idealization.” In fact, one of the studies in the above analysis found that marital satisfaction dropped over a three-year period for all but one group, the group that strongly believed their partner was the ideal person for them. If you find this fascinating, Melissa Schneider does a fantastic job of covering this topic in her blog (which is generally fantastic, by the way).

Human beings aren't giant smiley
faces, nor should they be

My issue with all of this is it doesn't seem very actionable. It's kind of hard to suddenly "be optimistic" - and I doubt faking it will help. What are you supposed to do, see the positive in everything and walk around with a huge grin on your face all the time? No: humans aren't giant yellow smiley face icons. Seligman suggests a more concrete alternative: learn to take intentionally advantage of your positive emotions. By this he means becoming an active participant in capitalizing on positive emotions, and finding ways to increase their duration. That's a bit heavy on jargon, so tomorrow we will cover in more depth concrete suggestions to 'take advantage of positive emotions' proposed by Seligman and other experts.

Also see: Post #7 on Emotional Fitness for Couples and Post #6 on expressing your wants and needs.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.