Healthy versus Harmful Complaining

Do you complain to your partner about their actions?

If you don’t, you should.

Despite myths about idyllic, complaint-free romantic relationships, it’s a little ludicrous to expect two human beings to live together without complaints. When I was talking to one of my married friends recently, he commented, “I love her. But at the end of the day, it still sucks to wash someone else’s dirty dishes.” Having complaints like these is natural, and you shouldn't feel bad about voicing them with your partner. Having complaints does not mean you have problems in your relationship, they just mean you live a real life.

The trick, according to renowned relationship scientists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is to make healthy complaints rather than harmful complaints. In their book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, The Gottmans bring concepts like these to life by not only explaining them, but showing us transcripts of real couples whom they have recorded in their “Love Lab.” The Gottmans provide a side-by-side commentary of the positives and negatives in the conversation, summarize their recommendations, and then show another conversation between the couple after they receive The Gottmans advice. It’s a refreshing and innovative way to see some of these principles put into practice (and also makes you appreciate how hard it is to put them in practice).

Can you tell which of these complaints are “healthy” versus “harmful” and why?

1.  “We haven’t been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget."
2. “It’s all your fault we can’t afford a vacation. You waste our money on stupid things."
3. “I’m just more conservative about money and I think you spent too much for that pair of shoes.”
4. “Anybody can see that’s too much money to spend on a pair of shoes.”
5. “You set your glass on the coffee table last night and now there’s a ring.”
6. “You haven’t done the laundry in two weeks, the lawn needs mowing, and you never cleaned the garage like you said you would."
7. “You never take me anywhere”
8. “You said you would help Sean with his homework, but you’re still watching TV.”
9. “You didn’t cook one meal the whole time I was putting you through law school.”

Take a stab at identifying the healthy or harmful ones in the Comments section. We will post later this weekend with an ‘answer key’ on which of the above complaints are HEALTHY versus HARMFUL.

Here are some of the underlying principles, the DOs and DONTs

DO: Share responsibility for the problem 
DON’T: Blame the problem on the other person 

DO: Describe the problem in terms of your perception, opinion and style

DON’T: Describe the problem as a matter of absolute truth

DO: Focus on a specific problem, tackling one at a time
DON’T: Stockpile complaints or make broad, sweeping statements

DO: Focus on the present
DON’T: Dig up past grievances

DO: Tell your partner about your needs and desires
DON’T: Expect your partner to mind-read, to guess your needs and desires.

What other DOs and DONTs can you share about complaining from your experience?