Walk a Mile in Their Shoes (Post #14)

So far, we have been reviewing material written mostly by people over the age of 50 as the sources of our blogposts on the social science of relationships. One piece of feedback we received was, “This all seems good, but all these books and stuff, aren’t they a bit…you know…old fashioned?” Alright, point taken. So today we turn to Mark Manson, blogger extraordinaire at a very hip 30 years old.

Neuroscience! Ooh. Aah.

Turns out one of Mark’s keys to successful relationships is very old fashioned: compassion. But he does a little better than just throwing out the over-used ‘c’ word in his e-book. He points to neuroscience – very new age! – and observes that our brain functions such that we make decisions based on emotion FIRST and then consciously rationalize these decisions and look for evidence to support them. Mark backs this by talking about the amygdala and whatnot – in short, neuroscience. 

So even though his advice can be boiled down to the old phrase, “Before you criticize a man (or woman), walk a mile in his shoes,” it’s based on science. We promise.

The key to relationships, then, is to try to understand the other person’s emotional needs. Rather than observing and reacting only to WHAT they do, really try to understand WHY they do it. You may have known your partner long enough that you feel like understanding the WHY is automatic. It’s not. At least for most of us.

To put this in practice Mark suggests two tools. The first is very simple: just ask yourself why. Repeatedly. The first time you ask ‘why’ your response may be more a projection of your own rationalizations than your partners. So ask ‘why’ a few times, as follows:

Why did she get mad when I canceled our date to stay at the office?
 Because she doesn’t appreciate how important this deal is and what my boss would do if I turned in sloppy work.

Why doesn’t she appreciate how important the deal is?
Because she doesn’t know what I know

Why doesn’t she know what I know?
Because I didn’t tell her about what my boss said or what the client said, I just said work was busy and I have to stay late.

Write some letters in the "1-2-3 Shadow Exercise"
to develop empathy for the other person's perspective.
Quill pen optional.

For major conflicts, Mark suggests a more elaborate intervention, sourced from a workshop by the Ken Wilber. It’s called “1-2-3 Shadow Exercise” and involved writing a series of three letters. First, write a letter to your partner (or whomever you have a conflict with) being 100% honest while describing how you feel. Don’t hold anything back; throw in a few f bombs if you need to. No one is ever going to see the letter. Then, write a second letter responding to yourself from their perspective of the issue. This is the tricky part, but now that you have your written thoughts to respond to, getting into “their shoes” might be a bit easier. Finally, write a third letter, this time from an objective third-party perspective.

Hopefully these conflict resolutions skills help. It’s all about moving past responding to the WHAT and getting to the WHY. If you find this interesting (even if you don't, it's probably because I summarized it poorly), I highly recommend reading Mark Manson's e-book on relationships, available for free on his website.

Also see: Post #13 on the three elements of a strong relationship.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.