5 Love Languages

In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman tells the story of Billy and Betty Jo from Little Rock, Arkansas. They were a couple whose home he stayed at prior to one of his marriage seminars, and like most of Gary’s clients, their marriage was in trouble. Gary observed that Bill was a workaholic who had little time left over for Betty Jo, and that Betty Jo worked part time, mainly to try to get out of the house. He assigned them one simply exercise: make a list of the things they like about each other, and twice a week, select one positive trait and express verbal appreciation for the spouse.

Gary called them two months later to see how it worked. Bill was much happier – Words of Affirmation was Bill's primary ‘love language’ and his attitude about the marriage really improved due to Betty Jo’s verbal appreciation. Betty Jo, on the other hand, thought things were a bit better – hardly a ringing endorsement. Gary observed that the ‘love language’ of one person is not necessarily the love language of another: One medicine cannot cure all diseases. Hence his book – the 5 Love Languages, where he lists what he believes are the 5 primary ways people speak and understand emotional love. They are:

·         Words of Affirmation: Using words that build up, either encouraging words, kind words, humble words, or other ways to affirm.

·         Quality time: Giving someone your undivided attention, either through focused attention, quality conversation, learning to talk (about yourself), or quality activities

·         Receiving gifts: Either visual symbols of love (that don’t have to be expensive!) or the ‘gift of self’

·         Acts of Service: Expressing love by doing things for your partner

·         Physical touch

He advocates identifying the one (and only one) primary love language of your partner and working on developing your ability to communicate in that language.

Just as important as Gary Coleman’s prescriptions, however, are the motivations he provides for why you should take the time to understand and meet the needs of your partner’s love language. He notes that most people begin a relationship by falling in love. Which is great! But the mistake is assuming that the “in-love obsession” will last forever. In reality, psychological studies have found that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. He therefore differentiates the in-love experience – a temporary and instinctual emotional high that can provide the foundation for a relationship – from “real love” – an intentional choice which requires effort and discipline. It takes effort to understand your partner’s emotional ‘language’ and address their needs, even if it’s a second language to you.

I found this analysis of falling in love versus real love a little jarring since it goes against a lot of our preconceptions. Gary thinks this shouldn't be so surprising; We shouldn’t expect falling in love to last forever, because it would be impossible for most people to get things done if it did.