Emotional Fitness for Couples (Post #7/20)

"Couples in relationships that work work on their relationships." Dr. Barton Goldsmith begins his book Emotional Fitness for Couples with this somewhat radical premise, and then goes on to describe 52 different ways – in 52 bite size chapters – that couples can work on their relationships. The top four nuggets from our read-through included:

Is this a good time to talk? Don’t try to hold a conversation when your partner’s attention is focused on something else. If it isn’t a good time, don’t try to force a conversation. Dr. Goldsmith seemed to be discussing this in the context of raising problems/issues, but per our previous post on the importance of responding to positive events, perhaps it applies to good news as well.

Weekly relationship meeting? Dr. Goldsmith goes on to recommend a weekly relationship meeting in which couples intentionally check in on the relationship. He says the ideal length is 10 minutes to an hour (though many couples follow it up/merge it with something fun like a date night). To be honest, a weekly relationship ‘check in’ sounds terrifying to me! Would be curious if any couples have tried it, and if so, how it works.

Give in on the little things by using a
1-10 scale. Maybe make it fun: 'winner' buys
the loser a coffee as compensation!

Give in on the little things.  For most people, fighting is exhausting, but per our previous post on complaints, fighting – or at least managing conflicts – is necessary. Save your energy for what’s important. Dr. Goldsmith proposes assigning a rating scale for certain recurring small issues to see who should give in. So when something is a 10 for your partner but only a 5 for you, give in. One obvious question is what happens when something is consistently a higher rating for one partner? In all likelihood, going through this 1-10 rating process – hokey and forced though it may be – will cause that partner to naturally strive to rate some things lower than you.  

The importance of touching. In a study done by Dr. Sidney Gerrard, he found that people in Puerto Rico touched an average of 180 times a day and people in France touched about 110 times a day. Americans? An average of two times a day. This gets back to our discussion of Love Languages; is it possible for an entire country to not value touching? Dr. Goldsmith doesn’t think so, and cites evidence that babies who are touched daily have a more healthy development. So, even if your primary ‘love language’ (I still feel silly using that term, but the book is rather convincing) is not touch, try making physical contact (e.g., holding hands, touching their shoulder) with your partner more regularly.

Touching has been proven to be beneficial for child development.
Is it also important for your relationship?

Hey - here's a challenge for you - choose one of the 4 things above and try at least one of the action items in your relationship. Either: 1. Ask your partner whether it's a good time to talk more frequently, 2. Schedule a weekly relationship meeting, 3. Use 1-10 rating to 'give in on little things' or 4. Make a conscious effort to touch each other more. 

**NOTE: To help you follow along - for the next 12 posts, we will post every day during the work week (M-F) before 1 PM EST/10 AM PT. Enter your e-mail on the right hand side to get an update to your inbox when we make the post.

See also: Post #6 on expressing wants and needs