Walk a Mile in Their Shoes (Post #14)

So far, we have been reviewing material written mostly by people over the age of 50 as the sources of our blogposts on the social science of relationships. One piece of feedback we received was, “This all seems good, but all these books and stuff, aren’t they a bit…you know…old fashioned?” Alright, point taken. So today we turn to Mark Manson, blogger extraordinaire at a very hip 30 years old.

Neuroscience! Ooh. Aah.

Turns out one of Mark’s keys to successful relationships is very old fashioned: compassion. But he does a little better than just throwing out the over-used ‘c’ word in his e-book. He points to neuroscience – very new age! – and observes that our brain functions such that we make decisions based on emotion FIRST and then consciously rationalize these decisions and look for evidence to support them. Mark backs this by talking about the amygdala and whatnot – in short, neuroscience. 

So even though his advice can be boiled down to the old phrase, “Before you criticize a man (or woman), walk a mile in his shoes,” it’s based on science. We promise.

The key to relationships, then, is to try to understand the other person’s emotional needs. Rather than observing and reacting only to WHAT they do, really try to understand WHY they do it. You may have known your partner long enough that you feel like understanding the WHY is automatic. It’s not. At least for most of us.

To put this in practice Mark suggests two tools. The first is very simple: just ask yourself why. Repeatedly. The first time you ask ‘why’ your response may be more a projection of your own rationalizations than your partners. So ask ‘why’ a few times, as follows:

Why did she get mad when I canceled our date to stay at the office?
 Because she doesn’t appreciate how important this deal is and what my boss would do if I turned in sloppy work.

Why doesn’t she appreciate how important the deal is?
Because she doesn’t know what I know

Why doesn’t she know what I know?
Because I didn’t tell her about what my boss said or what the client said, I just said work was busy and I have to stay late.

Write some letters in the "1-2-3 Shadow Exercise"
to develop empathy for the other person's perspective.
Quill pen optional.

For major conflicts, Mark suggests a more elaborate intervention, sourced from a workshop by the Ken Wilber. It’s called “1-2-3 Shadow Exercise” and involved writing a series of three letters. First, write a letter to your partner (or whomever you have a conflict with) being 100% honest while describing how you feel. Don’t hold anything back; throw in a few f bombs if you need to. No one is ever going to see the letter. Then, write a second letter responding to yourself from their perspective of the issue. This is the tricky part, but now that you have your written thoughts to respond to, getting into “their shoes” might be a bit easier. Finally, write a third letter, this time from an objective third-party perspective.

Hopefully these conflict resolutions skills help. It’s all about moving past responding to the WHAT and getting to the WHY. If you find this interesting (even if you don't, it's probably because I summarized it poorly), I highly recommend reading Mark Manson's e-book on relationships, available for free on his website.

Also see: Post #13 on the three elements of a strong relationship.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

Shadow Comforts and Sliding Doors (Post #13)

When relationships fall apart, we often hear about the big events – someone cheating, a clash over the children – and assume those were the triggers. In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown argues that the real reason relationships thrive or flounder is much less dramatic: the day-to-day decision to engage or disengage.

For most people stuffing your face with
chocolates is a "shadow comfort"

One form of disengagement is to numb emotion. Numbing behaviors include reliance on “shadow” comforts, or things we do to soothe ourselves and avoid emotions. In her book The Life Organizer, author Jennifer Louden writes “Shadow comforts take any form. It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness – a real comfort – or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself. You can chat on message boards for half an hour and be energized by community and ready to go back to work, or you can chat on message boards because you’re avoiding talking to your partner about how angry he or she made you last night.” While the occasional shadow comfort won’t destroy a relationship, regularly engaging in them can erode the foundation of trust and connection.

But it’s not enough to avoid disengagement, you must also build trust by regularly choosing to engage. For that, we introduce John Gottman’s concept of Sliding Doors. I really can’t say it better than him, so here are his words from the book The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples:

“What I’ve found through research is that trust is built in very small moments, which I call “sliding door” moments, after the movie Sliding Doors. In any interaction there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.
Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship. One night I really wanted to finish a mystery novel. I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out. At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom. As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife’s face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair. There was a sliding door moment. I had a choice. I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, I don’t want to deal with her sadness tonight; I want to read my novel. But instead, because I’m a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom. I took the brush from her hair and asked, ‘What’s the matter, baby?’ And she told me why she was sad.Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her. I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think about what I wanted. These are the moments, we’ve discovered, that build trust.”   

I’ll just close by noting that Gottman’s example, as far as I can tell, doesn’t involve a shadow comfort. He wasn’t reading the mystery novel in order to avoid his wife or other feelings. BUT he still made the decision to forego a real comfort in order to connect with his wife. It’s these day-to-day decisions to build trust – by minimizing shadow comforts and walking through the sliding doors – that result in thriving relationships.

Also see: Post #12 on the three elements of a strong relationship.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

The Three Elements of A Strong Relationship Foundation (Post #12)

**Michael Terrell, Founder of the Terrell Leadership Group, wrote the below guest post. Michael is a leadership guru for Millenialls, a generally awesome guy, and someone whose views on life and relationships I really respect.** 

Much like our stoutest physical structures, relationships that last have strong foundations. They have a solid bases that enable folks to weather storms and not sweat the small stuff that inevitably arises over time. Many of you who have been in close-knit relationships know what I mean. If you take a moment and close your eyes, you can probably think of those essential bricks that have comprised your relationship foundations over the years, bringing you resiliency, understanding, and joy.

Fortunately for all of us, Dr. John Gottman has developed a science-based perspective on what the strongest of these foundations looks like by creating a model called “The Sound Relationship House.” Described in detail in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman’s model has a three-part foundation that consists of: 1) Building Love Maps, 2) Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and 3) Turning Toward Emotional Bids. Allow me to briefly explain these concepts and their significance in building rooted, resilient relationships.

1. Building Love Maps - "Love Maps” may sound nice but are admittedly a little vague. What Gottman means here is that you should make an active and recurring effort to truly know the other person’s world. What’s most important to him? What are her dreams? What cheers him up most in the middle of a busy week? Having well-develop Love Maps means knowing the other person’s hopes and aspirations right along side their vulnerabilities and insecurities. When did she feel most embarrassed? What were his biggest regrets from that last job? How does she feel about death? Love Maps are the result of conversations powered by genuinely curious open-ended questions. Many couples informally construct these over years in an ad hoc way; others intentionally jump right into it on the first date. Regardless of the approach, taking the time to really understand and care about other person’s world is an essential component of creating closeness and building a strong foundation.

2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration - Self-descriptive, this practice falls into my “common sense isn’t common practice” bucket. We all know or can imagine how nice it is to feel acknowledged, appreciated, and loved by a partner, yet most of us can recount periods of time where we've felt un-acknowledged or under-appreciated. And often these moments are not the result of a big fight but rather our partner’s simple lack of expression over the course of routine life. Wake up y’all! In order for our partners to feel these warm-fuzzies, we have to share the fondness and appreciation we have for them in a way (or language) that is meaningful to them. We can do so in ways big and small, so long as our expressions are genuine. In order to improve on this front, consider these two steps: 1. Be intentional about what you scan for. Actively try to increase the amount of time you notice the positive in your partner, rather than the ways in which they’re falling short. 2. Take action around what you notice. Say something. Leave a note. Clean up the dishes. Hold the hug five seconds longer. It’s the taking action that shares your fondness with your partner. 

OK - you've got to admit THESE are some cool clouds

3. Turning Toward Emotional Bids - Simply put, the last element of Gottman’s foundation is: try to respond actively and constructively to your partner’s “bids” for connection. In Gottman’s research, many couples whose relationships were struggling had developed the habit of “turning away” (ignoring/changing the subject) or “turning against” (pushing back against) their partner’s offers for connection. For example, if I’m driving up the 101 and turn to my girlfriend and say, “Wow, looks at those cool clouds,” she has a few choices. She could busy herself with Instagram and say nothing — effectively turning away, or she could say, “Uh, I hate it when it’s cloudy” and turn against. In all likelihood, because she’s awesome and because we’ve had a few Gottman conversations, she’ll turn toward by looking up from her phone and saying something like, “Dang, those are cool. If we get home in time, maybe you can snag a sunset photo of them?” Simple but effective. Developing the habit of turning toward emotional bids means developing the habit of conveying to your partner “I hear and care about you.” What percent of bids would you say you turn toward?

When combined together, these three elements form a heck of a relationship base. In Gottman’s language, they help create Positive Sentiment Override, which enables couples to see their relationships positively, to view their problems as surmountable, and to disagree without criticizing. It’s a powerful combination—one that I hope you’ll explore in your relationships. I know continuing to do so has done wonders for mine.

Also see: Post #11 on the importance of novelty in relationships.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

New (and improved?)

I recently participated in an excursion to Cuba with a group that included five couples who have been married for at least four decades. All of the couples had traveled extensively, all over the world, through the US, or both. They shared their stories of visiting a daughter who was a Peace Corps volunteer in Benin, going to Rwanda to recruit young people to work with a non-profit in NYC, spending a three-day weekend in DC with friends from high school. One of the couples, a member of which was completely blind, had traveled to Ireland with their tandem bike for a cycling trip through the countryside.

I started wondering whether those relationships have lasted so long because the couples embrace new adventures together, or do the couples embrace new adventures together because they have good relationships and enjoy each other’s company. Were those individuals initially attracted to each other because they identified a kindred adventuresome spirit? Or did they nurture that quality in each other over the course of the relationship?

I engaged the couples in a conversation to try to learn more. In most cases, one member of the couple was more likely to suggest an adventure, and the other member agreed, usually enthusiastically, to participate. New adventures seemed to spur subsequent new adventures. As the couples’ financial resources increased over the course of their relationships, what may have manifested earlier in the relationship as willingness to try a new restaurant or drive a different route to the grocery store later emerged as a willingness to travel to an unfamiliar country. 

Studies suggest that couples who engage in novel activities together experience greater relationship quality and satisfaction than couples whose relationships tend toward the mundane. This is no surprise given that studies also show that engaging in new activities can contribute to an individual's happiness. Two happier individuals would make for a happier committed relationship. 

Embarking on novel or adventurous activities does not necessarily mean traveling with a partner to Cuba, though traveling to an unfamiliar place can be an excellent way to introduce adventure (and conversation) into a relationship. Novelty can take various forms, such as:

• switching sides of the bed
• taking a different route to a familiar destination
• holding hands in a different way (interlocking fingers versus palm-in-palm)
• playing cards or going for a walk instead of watching TV
• trying a new restaurant or a new recipe
• reading aloud to each other
• using a different kind of toothpaste
• taking a class together

The benefit will come not only from doing novel or adventurous things together but also talking about them and sharing your experience with each other.

I am compelled, however, to acknowledge couples like my grandparents whose 65-year marriage, at least on the surface, seems to have been wholly constructed on the mundane. They co-existed quite happily in their rural Appalachian home, rarely veering from their daily routine during the entire course of their marriage, right down to the daily breakfast of eggs, biscuits and gravy.

A future blog post may address the benefits to a relationship of establishing routines, which, of course, is not contrary to incorporating novelty and adventure.

For now, commit to trying at least one new thing, big or small, this week with your partner. And then talk with each other about your experience of newness.

Aron, A., Aron, E.N., Heyman, R.E., Norman, C., & McKenna, C. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousingactivities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 273-283.

Also see: Post #10 and Post #8 on optimism in relationships.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

Optimism and Relationships, Part Two (Post #10)

Have you ever “weather-proofed” a building? Weatherproofing is when you make something resistant to bad weather by looking for cracks. I just did this the other day in my chilly Boston bedroom to try to make the room warmer. 

Don't "weatherproof" your relationship

Humans also have a tendency to weather-proof relationships: consciously searching for cracks or weaknesses in their partner or in the relationship. But in the case of relationships, weatherproofing serves no purpose: it only makes the “bad weather” come sooner.

In Post #8 of the relaThrive blog, we covered the importance of optimism in relationships. So how do you do the opposite of weather-proofing and take advantage of positive emotions in a relationship? Social scientists suggest three options:

• Consciously try to extend positive emotions/events with your partner: When something good happens or your partner has good news, try to extend those positive emotions as much as possible. We covered some of the specifics in Post #2 and Post #3. A quick refresher: when something positive happens, pay attention. Ask probing questions rather than moving on quickly. For example, if your partner says their boss complimented them at work, acknowledge how important that might be. Ask questions about what exactly the boss said, and how that made your partner feel. Ask whether any one else heard and how they reacted.
• Identify more positive emotions/events: Try the “Three Blessings” Exercise. Every day, write down three good things that happened, and why. They can be small (“Traffic was breezy today”) or big; the point is just to get in the habit of noticing and capitalizing on good things. I know this sounds simple, and possibly hokey. If you’re skeptical, commit to doing it for just a short time – a week – and continue only if you like it. It works best if you agree to do it in pairs.
  

  

  
  

• Watch your language: Scientists have found that the language we use affects our mood. In studies in which people are asked to utter a string of negative words (“horrible,” “terrible,” “the worst”), their self-rating of mood is worse than people who utter a string of positive words (“fantastic,” “awesome,” “great”). This isn’t just a laboratory construct: in real conversations, some people have found to use a higher proportion of negative words than others. Ask your partner to monitor you for 3-5 negative words, and 3-5 positive words. You can make it fun: assign a reward (A kiss? An M&M?) for when you use the positive words.  

Also see: Post #9 on trust in relationships.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

The Importance of Trust in Relationships (Post #9)

Many times when couples are asked if they trust one another, they reply "Of course! I could never imagine that my partner would cheat on me." But the truth is that infidelity is not the only indicator of betrayal in a relationship. Obviously trust has to exist for the "big ticket items" of a relationship (i.e. Will my partner be faithful? Will my partner support my career successes?), but it also needs to exist on a day to day basis.

When a partner can trust their significant other to carry through on small promises (whether it be taking out the trash or hiring a babysitter), it signifies selflessness and a true ability for his/her significant other to be there for him/her. Trust is the foundation that allows the couple to work as a team.

Trust removes an enormous source of stress because it allows you to act with incomplete information. You don’t subject your mind and body to constant worry, so the complexity of your decision making plummets. -John Gottman & Nan Silver

Of course, trust cannot be built overnight. The phrase is "building trust" for a reason. For something to be built, it requires work, diligence, and patience. Here are three ways to build trust in a relationship:

1) Be open with your partner - Express to your partner what you need from them. Don't expect him or her to do the guess work to figure out what is important to you. This can help your partner understand what your expectations are and meet them better. On the flipside, don't be afraid to tell your partner no. If your partner asks you to do something, and you are not a fan of it, be upfront about it. The more that you communicate to your partner about your wants, needs, and limitations the easier it will be for your partner to trust you.

2) Be authentic - Show your partner your flaws and your insecurities. Chances are your partner will open up to you if you open up to them. If you can't be authentic with your partner, who can you be authentic with?

3) Accept that your partner will make mistakes - Have realistic expectations. Your partner is human after all. Although it is important for your partner to be there for you and work with you as a team, recognize that your partner might not always be able to meet all of your expectations and that's okay. At the end of the day, trust is learned and earned. Communicating to your partner about what is important to you will help them make those things their priorities too.

For more reading on trust in relationships, check out What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman and Nan Silver.

Optimism and Relationships, Part One (Post #8)

I must admit, I am a reluctant optimist.

Despite the caption in this picture, maybe realism
isn't always the best course in relationships.

Between the three choices of worldview – ‘pessimist,’ ‘realist,’ and ‘optimist,’ I used to aspire to be a realist. I did not want my perceptions to be biased by something imaginary; as a man of science I want to see things as they are. And, even though I find pessimism unappealing, scientists point out it has deep psychological underpinnings: our ancestors who prepared for the worst tended to do better when catastrophes hit (“it may be nice today, but I BET tomorrow a sabre-toothed tiger will show up tomorrow”).

But optimism can be quite useful. Especially for relationships.

First – optimism can be generally useful because happiness is highly contagious. 50 years ago, over 5,000 residents of Framingham, MA were surveyed for a number of indicators of physical and mental health; this data was collected regularly for a number of decades. Some of the indicators included measures of sadness, happiness and loneliness. Researchers found happiness was even more contagious than loneliness or depression – if Person A’s happiness went up at time 1, their next door neighbor’s (Person B) happiness would increase in time 2, and so do THEIR neighbor’s happiness (Person C), albeit to a lesser extent. In Flourish, Martin Seligman notes that this has significant implications for morale among groups, and a relationship is really nothing more than the most intimate of groups.

The above example equates optimism with happiness. They are not the same, but there is some research that suggests optimism about your partner can lead to happiness in a relationship.

In an analysis of 30 factors that impacted the future of 37,761 dating couples, the strongest predictor of long-term relationship success was positive mindset about one’s partner: more specifically, the perception that their partner is a great person, someone close to your vision of the ideal person for them. Social scientists refer to this belief as “positive illusions” (I wonder why it’s termed ‘illusion?’) or “partner idealization.” In fact, one of the studies in the above analysis found that marital satisfaction dropped over a three-year period for all but one group, the group that strongly believed their partner was the ideal person for them. If you find this fascinating, Melissa Schneider does a fantastic job of covering this topic in her blog (which is generally fantastic, by the way).

Human beings aren't giant smiley
faces, nor should they be

My issue with all of this is it doesn't seem very actionable. It's kind of hard to suddenly "be optimistic" - and I doubt faking it will help. What are you supposed to do, see the positive in everything and walk around with a huge grin on your face all the time? No: humans aren't giant yellow smiley face icons. Seligman suggests a more concrete alternative: learn to take intentionally advantage of your positive emotions. By this he means becoming an active participant in capitalizing on positive emotions, and finding ways to increase their duration. That's a bit heavy on jargon, so tomorrow we will cover in more depth concrete suggestions to 'take advantage of positive emotions' proposed by Seligman and other experts.

Also see: Post #7 on Emotional Fitness for Couples and Post #6 on expressing your wants and needs.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.

Emotional Fitness for Couples (Post #7/20)

"Couples in relationships that work work on their relationships." Dr. Barton Goldsmith begins his book Emotional Fitness for Couples with this somewhat radical premise, and then goes on to describe 52 different ways – in 52 bite size chapters – that couples can work on their relationships. The top four nuggets from our read-through included:

Is this a good time to talk? Don’t try to hold a conversation when your partner’s attention is focused on something else. If it isn’t a good time, don’t try to force a conversation. Dr. Goldsmith seemed to be discussing this in the context of raising problems/issues, but per our previous post on the importance of responding to positive events, perhaps it applies to good news as well.

Weekly relationship meeting? Dr. Goldsmith goes on to recommend a weekly relationship meeting in which couples intentionally check in on the relationship. He says the ideal length is 10 minutes to an hour (though many couples follow it up/merge it with something fun like a date night). To be honest, a weekly relationship ‘check in’ sounds terrifying to me! Would be curious if any couples have tried it, and if so, how it works.

Give in on the little things by using a
1-10 scale. Maybe make it fun: 'winner' buys
the loser a coffee as compensation!

Give in on the little things.  For most people, fighting is exhausting, but per our previous post on complaints, fighting – or at least managing conflicts – is necessary. Save your energy for what’s important. Dr. Goldsmith proposes assigning a rating scale for certain recurring small issues to see who should give in. So when something is a 10 for your partner but only a 5 for you, give in. One obvious question is what happens when something is consistently a higher rating for one partner? In all likelihood, going through this 1-10 rating process – hokey and forced though it may be – will cause that partner to naturally strive to rate some things lower than you.  

The importance of touching. In a study done by Dr. Sidney Gerrard, he found that people in Puerto Rico touched an average of 180 times a day and people in France touched about 110 times a day. Americans? An average of two times a day. This gets back to our discussion of Love Languages; is it possible for an entire country to not value touching? Dr. Goldsmith doesn’t think so, and cites evidence that babies who are touched daily have a more healthy development. So, even if your primary ‘love language’ (I still feel silly using that term, but the book is rather convincing) is not touch, try making physical contact (e.g., holding hands, touching their shoulder) with your partner more regularly.

Touching has been proven to be beneficial for child development.
Is it also important for your relationship?

Hey - here's a challenge for you - choose one of the 4 things above and try at least one of the action items in your relationship. Either: 1. Ask your partner whether it's a good time to talk more frequently, 2. Schedule a weekly relationship meeting, 3. Use 1-10 rating to 'give in on little things' or 4. Make a conscious effort to touch each other more. 

**NOTE: To help you follow along - for the next 12 posts, we will post every day during the work week (M-F) before 1 PM EST/10 AM PT. Enter your e-mail on the right hand side to get an update to your inbox when we make the post.

See also: Post #6 on expressing wants and needs

Can you be intentional about falling in love? (Bonus Post)

I am running a bit low on time today, so we are going to postpone Post #7 until tomorrow.

But I did want to quickly cover a viral article that many of you have sent me. The New York Times recently published an article entitled To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This. The writer of the article uncovers an old study in which scientists tried to get people to fall in love by having participants answer a series of 36 questions, each of which became progressively more intimate. The coup de grace was a four minute session where the participants gazed into each other's eyes. Apparently this worked for one couple of test subjects, and it worked again for the writer of this article.

Doesn't exactly fit my definition of science (because it's unclear if this was proven to work aside from the 2 anecdotal examples), but it does raise the question of whether you can be intentional about falling in love. More broadly, can you be intentional about intimacy?

I'd be curious to see what couples who are already together think of this exercise. Check out this website, which has the 36 questions - give it a whirl and let us know what you think!

Also see: Post #6 on expressing your wants and needs.

To learn more about why we are writing these 20 blogposts on relationship science, read our first post. 

Be clear about your wants and needs

Popular wisdom suggests couples should know each other like the back of each other’s hands. Maybe that’s why one notion of romance is that your partner should anticipate your needs without you having to vocalize them. And yet, experts who study long-term relationships have found that the most successful couples continue to be open and explicit about their wants and needs.

Why do I have to ask you for a foot massage!

In 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, The Gottmans introduce a couple, David and Candace, who has had problems clearly expressing their wants and needs. One morning, Candace asked David for a foot massage. Noticing David was busy, Candace caveated the request by saying David could finish his work first. When David finished his calls, he offered Candace a foot massage but noticed that by now she was irritated. Candace didn’t want to feel as if she was just another obligation for David to “schedule in;” she did not want to always have to ask David to make her happy.

Now fellas, before you get too excited, you should note that research indicates men are worse than women at expressing their wants and needs. This is because many men are conditioned to jump straight to problem-solving when comforted with emotional discomfort; over time this makes us so out of touch with emotions that we barely even know our own wants and needs, let alone being able to express them to our partners.

You decide: Homecoming Parade, Truck Parade, or Both?

But back to Candace for now, why is her attitude NOT typical of successful couples? Researchers from The Harvard Negotiation Project discuss a possible reason in their classic book on communication, Difficult Conversations. People – even couples – see the world differently. This is because 1. We have different information, and 2. We interpret the information we do have differently.

As an example of the first point – having different information – the authors cite an example of a father who takes his 4-year old son to a parade. The father sees cheerleaders, football players and floats and thinks “that was an average HOMECOMING parade.” His son says, “That was the best TRUCK parade ever.” Each float was pulled by trucks, which the father barely noticed. The father and son observed the same event, but paid attention to different things.

And even when we notice the same information, we can interpret it differently. The character Alvie Singer in the movie Annie Hall famously complains to his therapist, “We never have sex.” His girlfriend retorts, “We’re constantly having sex.” “How often do you have sex?” asks the therapist. “Three times a week!” they reply in unison.

Tying this back to the foot massage: once we appreciate that people - even couples who have been together for a long time - see the world differently (because they have different information AND interpret information differently), we see why it's usually better to be open about our wants and needs: it eliminates a layer of interpretation. Over time, being open about your wants and needs will probably help your partner anticipate your needs better, but you'll be happier if you don't count on it.

Also see: Post #5 - Healthy versus Harmful Complaining. To learn more about why we are writing these 20 blogposts on relationship science, read this post. 

For more on Difficult Conversations, see these book notes or purchase the book here.

BONUS POST: Complaint follow-up

Below is the 'answer key' on the healthy versus harmful complaints, from the previous post.

It's pretty hard to remember all of these at the same time, so the experts advice you choose ONE type of complaint to avoid and one to try (when warranted). For example, I may recognize that I tend to stockpile complaints and commit to bringing them up one at a time.

Post #6 will be up by 6 PM EST today!

“We haven’t been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget.” – HEALTHY (Shares responsibility for the problem by using we)

“It’s all your fault we can’t afford a vacation. You waste our money on stupid things.”
HARMFUL (Blames the problem on the other person)

“I’m just more conservative about money and I think you spent too much for that pair of shoes.”
HEALTHY (Describes the problem in terms of the speaker’s perception/opinion)

“Anybody can see that’s too much money to spend on a pair of shoes.”
HARMFUL (Describes the problem as a matter of absolute truth)

“You set your glass on the coffee table last night and now there’s a ring.”
HEALTHY (Specific problem, one at a time)

“You haven’t done the laundry in two weeks, the lawn needs mowing, and you never cleaned the garage like you said you would.
HARMFUL (Stockpiling complaints)

“You never take me anywhere”
HARMFUL (Broad, sweeping statement)

“You said you would help Sean with his homework, but you’re still watching TV.”
HEALTHY (Focus on the present)

“You didn’t cook one meal the whole time I was putting you through law school.”
HARMFUL (Digging up past grievances)

Healthy versus Harmful Complaining

Do you complain to your partner about their actions?

If you don’t, you should.

Despite myths about idyllic, complaint-free romantic relationships, it’s a little ludicrous to expect two human beings to live together without complaints. When I was talking to one of my married friends recently, he commented, “I love her. But at the end of the day, it still sucks to wash someone else’s dirty dishes.” Having complaints like these is natural, and you shouldn't feel bad about voicing them with your partner. Having complaints does not mean you have problems in your relationship, they just mean you live a real life.

The trick, according to renowned relationship scientists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is to make healthy complaints rather than harmful complaints. In their book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, The Gottmans bring concepts like these to life by not only explaining them, but showing us transcripts of real couples whom they have recorded in their “Love Lab.” The Gottmans provide a side-by-side commentary of the positives and negatives in the conversation, summarize their recommendations, and then show another conversation between the couple after they receive The Gottmans advice. It’s a refreshing and innovative way to see some of these principles put into practice (and also makes you appreciate how hard it is to put them in practice).

Can you tell which of these complaints are “healthy” versus “harmful” and why?

1.  “We haven’t been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget."
2. “It’s all your fault we can’t afford a vacation. You waste our money on stupid things."
3. “I’m just more conservative about money and I think you spent too much for that pair of shoes.”
4. “Anybody can see that’s too much money to spend on a pair of shoes.”
5. “You set your glass on the coffee table last night and now there’s a ring.”
6. “You haven’t done the laundry in two weeks, the lawn needs mowing, and you never cleaned the garage like you said you would."
7. “You never take me anywhere”
8. “You said you would help Sean with his homework, but you’re still watching TV.”
9. “You didn’t cook one meal the whole time I was putting you through law school.”

Take a stab at identifying the healthy or harmful ones in the Comments section. We will post later this weekend with an ‘answer key’ on which of the above complaints are HEALTHY versus HARMFUL.

Here are some of the underlying principles, the DOs and DONTs

DO: Share responsibility for the problem 
DON’T: Blame the problem on the other person 

DO: Describe the problem in terms of your perception, opinion and style

DON’T: Describe the problem as a matter of absolute truth

DO: Focus on a specific problem, tackling one at a time
DON’T: Stockpile complaints or make broad, sweeping statements

DO: Focus on the present
DON’T: Dig up past grievances

DO: Tell your partner about your needs and desires
DON’T: Expect your partner to mind-read, to guess your needs and desires.

What other DOs and DONTs can you share about complaining from your experience?

5 Love Languages

In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman tells the story of Billy and Betty Jo from Little Rock, Arkansas. They were a couple whose home he stayed at prior to one of his marriage seminars, and like most of Gary’s clients, their marriage was in trouble. Gary observed that Bill was a workaholic who had little time left over for Betty Jo, and that Betty Jo worked part time, mainly to try to get out of the house. He assigned them one simply exercise: make a list of the things they like about each other, and twice a week, select one positive trait and express verbal appreciation for the spouse.

Gary called them two months later to see how it worked. Bill was much happier – Words of Affirmation was Bill's primary ‘love language’ and his attitude about the marriage really improved due to Betty Jo’s verbal appreciation. Betty Jo, on the other hand, thought things were a bit better – hardly a ringing endorsement. Gary observed that the ‘love language’ of one person is not necessarily the love language of another: One medicine cannot cure all diseases. Hence his book – the 5 Love Languages, where he lists what he believes are the 5 primary ways people speak and understand emotional love. They are:

·         Words of Affirmation: Using words that build up, either encouraging words, kind words, humble words, or other ways to affirm.

·         Quality time: Giving someone your undivided attention, either through focused attention, quality conversation, learning to talk (about yourself), or quality activities

·         Receiving gifts: Either visual symbols of love (that don’t have to be expensive!) or the ‘gift of self’

·         Acts of Service: Expressing love by doing things for your partner

·         Physical touch

He advocates identifying the one (and only one) primary love language of your partner and working on developing your ability to communicate in that language.

Just as important as Gary Coleman’s prescriptions, however, are the motivations he provides for why you should take the time to understand and meet the needs of your partner’s love language. He notes that most people begin a relationship by falling in love. Which is great! But the mistake is assuming that the “in-love obsession” will last forever. In reality, psychological studies have found that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. He therefore differentiates the in-love experience – a temporary and instinctual emotional high that can provide the foundation for a relationship – from “real love” – an intentional choice which requires effort and discipline. It takes effort to understand your partner’s emotional ‘language’ and address their needs, even if it’s a second language to you.

I found this analysis of falling in love versus real love a little jarring since it goes against a lot of our preconceptions. Gary thinks this shouldn't be so surprising; We shouldn’t expect falling in love to last forever, because it would be impossible for most people to get things done if it did.