**Michael Terrell, Founder of the Terrell Leadership Group, wrote the below guest post. Michael is a leadership guru for Millenialls, a generally awesome guy, and someone whose views on life and relationships I really respect.**
Much like our stoutest physical structures, relationships that last have strong foundations. They have a solid bases that enable folks to weather storms and not sweat the small stuff that inevitably arises over time. Many of you who have been in close-knit relationships know what I mean. If you take a moment and close your eyes, you can probably think of those essential bricks that have comprised your relationship foundations over the years, bringing you resiliency, understanding, and joy.
Fortunately for all of us, Dr. John Gottman has developed a science-based perspective on what the strongest of these foundations looks like by creating a model called “The Sound Relationship House.” Described in detail in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman’s model has a three-part foundation that consists of: 1) Building Love Maps, 2) Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and 3) Turning Toward Emotional Bids. Allow me to briefly explain these concepts and their significance in building rooted, resilient relationships.
1. Building Love Maps - "Love Maps” may sound nice but are admittedly a little vague. What Gottman means here is that you should make an active and recurring effort to truly know the other person’s world. What’s most important to him? What are her dreams? What cheers him up most in the middle of a busy week? Having well-develop Love Maps means knowing the other person’s hopes and aspirations right along side their vulnerabilities and insecurities. When did she feel most embarrassed? What were his biggest regrets from that last job? How does she feel about death? Love Maps are the result of conversations powered by genuinely curious open-ended questions. Many couples informally construct these over years in an ad hoc way; others intentionally jump right into it on the first date. Regardless of the approach, taking the time to really understand and care about other person’s world is an essential component of creating closeness and building a strong foundation.
2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration - Self-descriptive, this practice falls into my “common sense isn’t common practice” bucket. We all know or can imagine how nice it is to feel acknowledged, appreciated, and loved by a partner, yet most of us can recount periods of time where we've felt un-acknowledged or under-appreciated. And often these moments are not the result of a big fight but rather our partner’s simple lack of expression over the course of routine life. Wake up y’all! In order for our partners to feel these warm-fuzzies, we have to share the fondness and appreciation we have for them in a way (or language) that is meaningful to them. We can do so in ways big and small, so long as our expressions are genuine. In order to improve on this front, consider these two steps: 1. Be intentional about what you scan for. Actively try to increase the amount of time you notice the positive in your partner, rather than the ways in which they’re falling short. 2. Take action around what you notice. Say something. Leave a note. Clean up the dishes. Hold the hug five seconds longer. It’s the taking action that shares your fondness with your partner.
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| OK - you've got to admit THESE are some cool clouds |
3. Turning Toward Emotional Bids - Simply put, the last element of Gottman’s foundation is: try to respond actively and constructively to your partner’s “bids” for connection. In Gottman’s research, many couples whose relationships were struggling had developed the habit of “turning away” (ignoring/changing the subject) or “turning against” (pushing back against) their partner’s offers for connection. For example, if I’m driving up the 101 and turn to my girlfriend and say, “Wow, looks at those cool clouds,” she has a few choices. She could busy herself with Instagram and say nothing — effectively turning away, or she could say, “Uh, I hate it when it’s cloudy” and turn against. In all likelihood, because she’s awesome and because we’ve had a few Gottman conversations, she’ll turn toward by looking up from her phone and saying something like, “Dang, those are cool. If we get home in time, maybe you can snag a sunset photo of them?” Simple but effective. Developing the habit of turning toward emotional bids means developing the habit of conveying to your partner “I hear and care about you.” What percent of bids would you say you turn toward?
When combined together, these three elements form a heck of a relationship base. In Gottman’s language, they help create Positive Sentiment Override, which enables couples to see their relationships positively, to view their problems as surmountable, and to disagree without criticizing. It’s a powerful combination—one that I hope you’ll explore in your relationships. I know continuing to do so has done wonders for mine.
Also see: Post #11 on the importance of novelty in relationships.
To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.
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