Active-constructive responding

Imagine your partner tells you that they won two tickets to a baseball game. You respond in one of the following four ways:

• Option 1: “That’s great.”
• Option 2:  “Baseball games are really long. Do you have the time right now?”
• Option 3: “Awesome! Who is playing? How did you win the tickets? That’s going to be a great way to relax.”
• Option 4: “Can we talk about what happened to me today?”

There’s a clear winner – Option #3. This is an example of what Dr. Shelly Gable calls "active-constructive responding." It’s active because you are interested and asking questions, and constructive because you are building up their points. Contrast that to the first option (“That’s great”), which is passive-constructive, the second option (“Baseball games are really long…”), which is active-destructive and the final option (“Can we talk about me…”) which is passive-destructive. To no one’s surprise, Dr. Gable and her researchers found that active-constructive responding is the only one associated with strong relationships.

The first time I heard this, I had two problems with it.

First, active-constructive responding is SO MUCH BETTER than the alternatives, that the finding did not seem applicable to my life. I thought, “I’m a nice person -- OF COURSE I practice active-constructive responding.” Then I read about the experiences of Dr. Martin Seligman in Flourish. Dr. Seligman is considered to be the founder of positive psychology, and even teaches active-constructive responding. He shared an anecdote about how he taught the concept of active-constructive responding in a morning seminar, and then later in the afternoon went shopping in a bazaar with his family. Two of his daughters approached him, excited about a purchase they had made. Dr. Seligman’s first response was, “Didn’t you negotiate?” Classic active-destructive. You may be a better natural active-constructive responder than Marty Seligman, but chances are you're not.

The second problem I had with the active-constructive concept was that I don’t want to walk around being blindly positive my entire life. Maybe I DO think someone is too busy for a boring baseball game. Can’t I tell them that? What Dr. Gable’s research suggests is yes, you can, but watch your initial response. If you don’t feel constructive about the topic, maybe start by being active. Show that you’re interested by asking questions and sharing in their initial excitement (“I’m glad you’re excited. How did you win the tickets?”)…you’ll probably even find a genuinely positive thing to say about the experience (“I know the baseball game would be a great chance to relax with your co-workers”)… and then share your concerns.

Try being a little more specific than Jim

A related concept to active-constructive responding is Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on effective praise. The main takeaway is to praise details. Army sergeants are trained to praise specific skills – “Good job clearing that hurdle even though someone stepped on your foot” – rather than a vague “Way to go.” That’s because specific praise shows that (a) you were really watching and (b) the praise is authentic, rather than perfunctory. What works for the army can work for your relationship.

Try some active-constructive responding over the next 24 hours. When someone shares something with you that is somewhat positive, ask them a little more about their good news (be active) and build up the experience for them (be constructive). You don’t need to be overly effusive, just be yourself.

Let us know how it goes.

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