Relationship communication: How NOT to respond

One of the most common things we do in relationships is respond to our partner. When we do, research suggests it’s important not to ‘hog the stage.’

This Hog may be happy, but your partner is
unlikely to be if you "Hog the Stage."

Dr. Richard Carlson describes this phenomenon in Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff…and It’s All Small Stuff. Hogging the Stage is the tendency to say something about yourself in response to someone sharing a story or accomplishment with you. The problem with Hogging the Stage is that when you immediately dive in and bring the conversation back to you, you can subtly minimize the joy someone has in sharing. It can also make you a poor listener - as soon as your partner says something that sparks your own thought, you start looking for opportunities to speak and stop listening as intently.

I wanted to test whether I was guilty of this relationship sin, but couldn’t think of a good way to do it because I was convinced that if I consciously knew about hogging the stage I wouldn't catch myself doing it. 

Boy, was I wrong.

Even while self-monitoring, I found 8 instances in the course of four days where my first reaction to someone sharing their feelings/experiences was to respond – immediately – with my own experiences. For example, my friend started telling me about their terrible neighbor after a recent long plane ride: they were in a middle seat and their neighbor leaned into their space, breathing on my friend while sleeping. “That sucks,” I THOUGHT to myself. But what I SAID was, “Yeah, you wouldn't believe what the guy next to me did…”

Doh! Hogging the Stage!

Try it for yourself. Be attentive over the next 48 hours to how you respond to your partner when they share their experiences, and keep a mental note of how many times you tend to ‘Hog the Stage.’ It’s not that sharing your own experiences is never warranted, it’s just not usually the first thing you should do. Try leading with a more inquisitive phrase such as “That’s wonderful” or “Tell me more about…” Then insert your own experience if/when it flows naturally into the conversation.

It sounds easy. But can you do it? Whether you are a master at responding or a fellow Hog like me, feel free to share your experiences in the Comments section.

Tomorrow we’ll explore some more scientific research on the DO’s of how to respond, including the pioneering research of Dr. Shelly Gable.