When things go right

Will you be there for me when things go wrong? We think of this question as the classic test of a relationship: how much support will you provide your partner when the going is tough. Support even gets precedence in marriage vows: It’s “In sickness…and in health” not “In health…and in sickness.”

But according to the research of Dr. Shelly Gable and her colleagues,

how you respond to positive events in your partner’s life is an even more important predictor of a high quality relationship than how you respond to negative events.

Dr. Gable tested this hypothesis in a study where she asked couples in long-term relationships to share a recent positive and negative development in their own lives with their partner. The experience was supposed to be unique to the individual (such as a promotion at work), not a shared experience of the couple. Both partners were asked to rate how their counterpart reacted to the positive story and the negative story, and also asked to rate their overall relationship on a number of factors. The researchers found that “feeling understood, validated and cared for following a positive event disclosure is more strongly and consistently associated with relationship well-being than ratings of responsiveness following a negative event disclosure.” In other words, it really matters how you respond to positive news from your partner.    

I find it harder to be consistently ‘present’ when my friends or family deliver positive news to me – particularly if its someone I know very well. When something is wrong, the ‘alarm bells’ go off and its very easy for me to try to make them feel better: put some tea on, offer a hug, try to help them talk through things. I would also like to think I am decent at celebrating when there is positive news, and I probably am for the REALLY big events like promotions or admittances into school. But for day-to-day positive events…I wonder? It’s probably easier for me to zone out, make some passing acknowledgement or ‘hog the stage’ with my own positive news.

Feel free to share what you think in the Comments section. Are you surprised by the research finding that it is as important, and maybe more so, to be good at responding to positive news as it is to be supportive to negative news? Are you good at being ‘present’ when your partner gives you good news? Any tips for others?

Tomorrow I'll cover some of the ways to excel at responding to positive news, including Dr. Carol Dweck's work on effective praise, and Dr. Gable's research on 'active-constructive' responding.