New (and improved?)

I recently participated in an excursion to Cuba with a group that included five couples who have been married for at least four decades. All of the couples had traveled extensively, all over the world, through the US, or both. They shared their stories of visiting a daughter who was a Peace Corps volunteer in Benin, going to Rwanda to recruit young people to work with a non-profit in NYC, spending a three-day weekend in DC with friends from high school. One of the couples, a member of which was completely blind, had traveled to Ireland with their tandem bike for a cycling trip through the countryside.

I started wondering whether those relationships have lasted so long because the couples embrace new adventures together, or do the couples embrace new adventures together because they have good relationships and enjoy each other’s company. Were those individuals initially attracted to each other because they identified a kindred adventuresome spirit? Or did they nurture that quality in each other over the course of the relationship?

I engaged the couples in a conversation to try to learn more. In most cases, one member of the couple was more likely to suggest an adventure, and the other member agreed, usually enthusiastically, to participate. New adventures seemed to spur subsequent new adventures. As the couples’ financial resources increased over the course of their relationships, what may have manifested earlier in the relationship as willingness to try a new restaurant or drive a different route to the grocery store later emerged as a willingness to travel to an unfamiliar country. 

Studies suggest that couples who engage in novel activities together experience greater relationship quality and satisfaction than couples whose relationships tend toward the mundane. This is no surprise given that studies also show that engaging in new activities can contribute to an individual's happiness. Two happier individuals would make for a happier committed relationship. 

Embarking on novel or adventurous activities does not necessarily mean traveling with a partner to Cuba, though traveling to an unfamiliar place can be an excellent way to introduce adventure (and conversation) into a relationship. Novelty can take various forms, such as:

• switching sides of the bed
• taking a different route to a familiar destination
• holding hands in a different way (interlocking fingers versus palm-in-palm)
• playing cards or going for a walk instead of watching TV
• trying a new restaurant or a new recipe
• reading aloud to each other
• using a different kind of toothpaste
• taking a class together

The benefit will come not only from doing novel or adventurous things together but also talking about them and sharing your experience with each other.

I am compelled, however, to acknowledge couples like my grandparents whose 65-year marriage, at least on the surface, seems to have been wholly constructed on the mundane. They co-existed quite happily in their rural Appalachian home, rarely veering from their daily routine during the entire course of their marriage, right down to the daily breakfast of eggs, biscuits and gravy.

A future blog post may address the benefits to a relationship of establishing routines, which, of course, is not contrary to incorporating novelty and adventure.

For now, commit to trying at least one new thing, big or small, this week with your partner. And then talk with each other about your experience of newness.

Aron, A., Aron, E.N., Heyman, R.E., Norman, C., & McKenna, C. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousingactivities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 273-283.

Also see: Post #10 and Post #8 on optimism in relationships.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.