Optimism and Relationships, Part Two (Post #10)

Have you ever “weather-proofed” a building? Weatherproofing is when you make something resistant to bad weather by looking for cracks. I just did this the other day in my chilly Boston bedroom to try to make the room warmer. 

Don't "weatherproof" your relationship

Humans also have a tendency to weather-proof relationships: consciously searching for cracks or weaknesses in their partner or in the relationship. But in the case of relationships, weatherproofing serves no purpose: it only makes the “bad weather” come sooner.

In Post #8 of the relaThrive blog, we covered the importance of optimism in relationships. So how do you do the opposite of weather-proofing and take advantage of positive emotions in a relationship? Social scientists suggest three options:

• Consciously try to extend positive emotions/events with your partner: When something good happens or your partner has good news, try to extend those positive emotions as much as possible. We covered some of the specifics in Post #2 and Post #3. A quick refresher: when something positive happens, pay attention. Ask probing questions rather than moving on quickly. For example, if your partner says their boss complimented them at work, acknowledge how important that might be. Ask questions about what exactly the boss said, and how that made your partner feel. Ask whether any one else heard and how they reacted.
• Identify more positive emotions/events: Try the “Three Blessings” Exercise. Every day, write down three good things that happened, and why. They can be small (“Traffic was breezy today”) or big; the point is just to get in the habit of noticing and capitalizing on good things. I know this sounds simple, and possibly hokey. If you’re skeptical, commit to doing it for just a short time – a week – and continue only if you like it. It works best if you agree to do it in pairs.
  

  

  
  

• Watch your language: Scientists have found that the language we use affects our mood. In studies in which people are asked to utter a string of negative words (“horrible,” “terrible,” “the worst”), their self-rating of mood is worse than people who utter a string of positive words (“fantastic,” “awesome,” “great”). This isn’t just a laboratory construct: in real conversations, some people have found to use a higher proportion of negative words than others. Ask your partner to monitor you for 3-5 negative words, and 3-5 positive words. You can make it fun: assign a reward (A kiss? An M&M?) for when you use the positive words.  

Also see: Post #9 on trust in relationships.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.