Optimism and Relationships, Part One (Post #8)

I must admit, I am a reluctant optimist.

Despite the caption in this picture, maybe realism
isn't always the best course in relationships.

Between the three choices of worldview – ‘pessimist,’ ‘realist,’ and ‘optimist,’ I used to aspire to be a realist. I did not want my perceptions to be biased by something imaginary; as a man of science I want to see things as they are. And, even though I find pessimism unappealing, scientists point out it has deep psychological underpinnings: our ancestors who prepared for the worst tended to do better when catastrophes hit (“it may be nice today, but I BET tomorrow a sabre-toothed tiger will show up tomorrow”).

But optimism can be quite useful. Especially for relationships.

First – optimism can be generally useful because happiness is highly contagious. 50 years ago, over 5,000 residents of Framingham, MA were surveyed for a number of indicators of physical and mental health; this data was collected regularly for a number of decades. Some of the indicators included measures of sadness, happiness and loneliness. Researchers found happiness was even more contagious than loneliness or depression – if Person A’s happiness went up at time 1, their next door neighbor’s (Person B) happiness would increase in time 2, and so do THEIR neighbor’s happiness (Person C), albeit to a lesser extent. In Flourish, Martin Seligman notes that this has significant implications for morale among groups, and a relationship is really nothing more than the most intimate of groups.

The above example equates optimism with happiness. They are not the same, but there is some research that suggests optimism about your partner can lead to happiness in a relationship.

In an analysis of 30 factors that impacted the future of 37,761 dating couples, the strongest predictor of long-term relationship success was positive mindset about one’s partner: more specifically, the perception that their partner is a great person, someone close to your vision of the ideal person for them. Social scientists refer to this belief as “positive illusions” (I wonder why it’s termed ‘illusion?’) or “partner idealization.” In fact, one of the studies in the above analysis found that marital satisfaction dropped over a three-year period for all but one group, the group that strongly believed their partner was the ideal person for them. If you find this fascinating, Melissa Schneider does a fantastic job of covering this topic in her blog (which is generally fantastic, by the way).

Human beings aren't giant smiley
faces, nor should they be

My issue with all of this is it doesn't seem very actionable. It's kind of hard to suddenly "be optimistic" - and I doubt faking it will help. What are you supposed to do, see the positive in everything and walk around with a huge grin on your face all the time? No: humans aren't giant yellow smiley face icons. Seligman suggests a more concrete alternative: learn to take intentionally advantage of your positive emotions. By this he means becoming an active participant in capitalizing on positive emotions, and finding ways to increase their duration. That's a bit heavy on jargon, so tomorrow we will cover in more depth concrete suggestions to 'take advantage of positive emotions' proposed by Seligman and other experts.

Also see: Post #7 on Emotional Fitness for Couples and Post #6 on expressing your wants and needs.

To learn more about why we are writing this series of 20 posts on social science related to relationships, read here.