Emotional Fitness for Couples (Post #7/20)

"Couples in relationships that work work on their relationships." Dr. Barton Goldsmith begins his book Emotional Fitness for Couples with this somewhat radical premise, and then goes on to describe 52 different ways – in 52 bite size chapters – that couples can work on their relationships. The top four nuggets from our read-through included:

Is this a good time to talk? Don’t try to hold a conversation when your partner’s attention is focused on something else. If it isn’t a good time, don’t try to force a conversation. Dr. Goldsmith seemed to be discussing this in the context of raising problems/issues, but per our previous post on the importance of responding to positive events, perhaps it applies to good news as well.

Weekly relationship meeting? Dr. Goldsmith goes on to recommend a weekly relationship meeting in which couples intentionally check in on the relationship. He says the ideal length is 10 minutes to an hour (though many couples follow it up/merge it with something fun like a date night). To be honest, a weekly relationship ‘check in’ sounds terrifying to me! Would be curious if any couples have tried it, and if so, how it works.

Give in on the little things by using a
1-10 scale. Maybe make it fun: 'winner' buys
the loser a coffee as compensation!

Give in on the little things.  For most people, fighting is exhausting, but per our previous post on complaints, fighting – or at least managing conflicts – is necessary. Save your energy for what’s important. Dr. Goldsmith proposes assigning a rating scale for certain recurring small issues to see who should give in. So when something is a 10 for your partner but only a 5 for you, give in. One obvious question is what happens when something is consistently a higher rating for one partner? In all likelihood, going through this 1-10 rating process – hokey and forced though it may be – will cause that partner to naturally strive to rate some things lower than you.  

The importance of touching. In a study done by Dr. Sidney Gerrard, he found that people in Puerto Rico touched an average of 180 times a day and people in France touched about 110 times a day. Americans? An average of two times a day. This gets back to our discussion of Love Languages; is it possible for an entire country to not value touching? Dr. Goldsmith doesn’t think so, and cites evidence that babies who are touched daily have a more healthy development. So, even if your primary ‘love language’ (I still feel silly using that term, but the book is rather convincing) is not touch, try making physical contact (e.g., holding hands, touching their shoulder) with your partner more regularly.

Touching has been proven to be beneficial for child development.
Is it also important for your relationship?

Hey - here's a challenge for you - choose one of the 4 things above and try at least one of the action items in your relationship. Either: 1. Ask your partner whether it's a good time to talk more frequently, 2. Schedule a weekly relationship meeting, 3. Use 1-10 rating to 'give in on little things' or 4. Make a conscious effort to touch each other more. 

**NOTE: To help you follow along - for the next 12 posts, we will post every day during the work week (M-F) before 1 PM EST/10 AM PT. Enter your e-mail on the right hand side to get an update to your inbox when we make the post.

See also: Post #6 on expressing wants and needs

Can you be intentional about falling in love? (Bonus Post)

I am running a bit low on time today, so we are going to postpone Post #7 until tomorrow.

But I did want to quickly cover a viral article that many of you have sent me. The New York Times recently published an article entitled To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This. The writer of the article uncovers an old study in which scientists tried to get people to fall in love by having participants answer a series of 36 questions, each of which became progressively more intimate. The coup de grace was a four minute session where the participants gazed into each other's eyes. Apparently this worked for one couple of test subjects, and it worked again for the writer of this article.

Doesn't exactly fit my definition of science (because it's unclear if this was proven to work aside from the 2 anecdotal examples), but it does raise the question of whether you can be intentional about falling in love. More broadly, can you be intentional about intimacy?

I'd be curious to see what couples who are already together think of this exercise. Check out this website, which has the 36 questions - give it a whirl and let us know what you think!

Also see: Post #6 on expressing your wants and needs.

To learn more about why we are writing these 20 blogposts on relationship science, read our first post. 

Be clear about your wants and needs

Popular wisdom suggests couples should know each other like the back of each other’s hands. Maybe that’s why one notion of romance is that your partner should anticipate your needs without you having to vocalize them. And yet, experts who study long-term relationships have found that the most successful couples continue to be open and explicit about their wants and needs.

Why do I have to ask you for a foot massage!

In 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, The Gottmans introduce a couple, David and Candace, who has had problems clearly expressing their wants and needs. One morning, Candace asked David for a foot massage. Noticing David was busy, Candace caveated the request by saying David could finish his work first. When David finished his calls, he offered Candace a foot massage but noticed that by now she was irritated. Candace didn’t want to feel as if she was just another obligation for David to “schedule in;” she did not want to always have to ask David to make her happy.

Now fellas, before you get too excited, you should note that research indicates men are worse than women at expressing their wants and needs. This is because many men are conditioned to jump straight to problem-solving when comforted with emotional discomfort; over time this makes us so out of touch with emotions that we barely even know our own wants and needs, let alone being able to express them to our partners.

You decide: Homecoming Parade, Truck Parade, or Both?

But back to Candace for now, why is her attitude NOT typical of successful couples? Researchers from The Harvard Negotiation Project discuss a possible reason in their classic book on communication, Difficult Conversations. People – even couples – see the world differently. This is because 1. We have different information, and 2. We interpret the information we do have differently.

As an example of the first point – having different information – the authors cite an example of a father who takes his 4-year old son to a parade. The father sees cheerleaders, football players and floats and thinks “that was an average HOMECOMING parade.” His son says, “That was the best TRUCK parade ever.” Each float was pulled by trucks, which the father barely noticed. The father and son observed the same event, but paid attention to different things.

And even when we notice the same information, we can interpret it differently. The character Alvie Singer in the movie Annie Hall famously complains to his therapist, “We never have sex.” His girlfriend retorts, “We’re constantly having sex.” “How often do you have sex?” asks the therapist. “Three times a week!” they reply in unison.

Tying this back to the foot massage: once we appreciate that people - even couples who have been together for a long time - see the world differently (because they have different information AND interpret information differently), we see why it's usually better to be open about our wants and needs: it eliminates a layer of interpretation. Over time, being open about your wants and needs will probably help your partner anticipate your needs better, but you'll be happier if you don't count on it.

Also see: Post #5 - Healthy versus Harmful Complaining. To learn more about why we are writing these 20 blogposts on relationship science, read this post. 

For more on Difficult Conversations, see these book notes or purchase the book here.

BONUS POST: Complaint follow-up

Below is the 'answer key' on the healthy versus harmful complaints, from the previous post.

It's pretty hard to remember all of these at the same time, so the experts advice you choose ONE type of complaint to avoid and one to try (when warranted). For example, I may recognize that I tend to stockpile complaints and commit to bringing them up one at a time.

Post #6 will be up by 6 PM EST today!

“We haven’t been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget.” – HEALTHY (Shares responsibility for the problem by using we)

“It’s all your fault we can’t afford a vacation. You waste our money on stupid things.”
HARMFUL (Blames the problem on the other person)

“I’m just more conservative about money and I think you spent too much for that pair of shoes.”
HEALTHY (Describes the problem in terms of the speaker’s perception/opinion)

“Anybody can see that’s too much money to spend on a pair of shoes.”
HARMFUL (Describes the problem as a matter of absolute truth)

“You set your glass on the coffee table last night and now there’s a ring.”
HEALTHY (Specific problem, one at a time)

“You haven’t done the laundry in two weeks, the lawn needs mowing, and you never cleaned the garage like you said you would.
HARMFUL (Stockpiling complaints)

“You never take me anywhere”
HARMFUL (Broad, sweeping statement)

“You said you would help Sean with his homework, but you’re still watching TV.”
HEALTHY (Focus on the present)

“You didn’t cook one meal the whole time I was putting you through law school.”
HARMFUL (Digging up past grievances)

Healthy versus Harmful Complaining

Do you complain to your partner about their actions?

If you don’t, you should.

Despite myths about idyllic, complaint-free romantic relationships, it’s a little ludicrous to expect two human beings to live together without complaints. When I was talking to one of my married friends recently, he commented, “I love her. But at the end of the day, it still sucks to wash someone else’s dirty dishes.” Having complaints like these is natural, and you shouldn't feel bad about voicing them with your partner. Having complaints does not mean you have problems in your relationship, they just mean you live a real life.

The trick, according to renowned relationship scientists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is to make healthy complaints rather than harmful complaints. In their book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, The Gottmans bring concepts like these to life by not only explaining them, but showing us transcripts of real couples whom they have recorded in their “Love Lab.” The Gottmans provide a side-by-side commentary of the positives and negatives in the conversation, summarize their recommendations, and then show another conversation between the couple after they receive The Gottmans advice. It’s a refreshing and innovative way to see some of these principles put into practice (and also makes you appreciate how hard it is to put them in practice).

Can you tell which of these complaints are “healthy” versus “harmful” and why?

1.  “We haven’t been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget."
2. “It’s all your fault we can’t afford a vacation. You waste our money on stupid things."
3. “I’m just more conservative about money and I think you spent too much for that pair of shoes.”
4. “Anybody can see that’s too much money to spend on a pair of shoes.”
5. “You set your glass on the coffee table last night and now there’s a ring.”
6. “You haven’t done the laundry in two weeks, the lawn needs mowing, and you never cleaned the garage like you said you would."
7. “You never take me anywhere”
8. “You said you would help Sean with his homework, but you’re still watching TV.”
9. “You didn’t cook one meal the whole time I was putting you through law school.”

Take a stab at identifying the healthy or harmful ones in the Comments section. We will post later this weekend with an ‘answer key’ on which of the above complaints are HEALTHY versus HARMFUL.

Here are some of the underlying principles, the DOs and DONTs

DO: Share responsibility for the problem 
DON’T: Blame the problem on the other person 

DO: Describe the problem in terms of your perception, opinion and style

DON’T: Describe the problem as a matter of absolute truth

DO: Focus on a specific problem, tackling one at a time
DON’T: Stockpile complaints or make broad, sweeping statements

DO: Focus on the present
DON’T: Dig up past grievances

DO: Tell your partner about your needs and desires
DON’T: Expect your partner to mind-read, to guess your needs and desires.

What other DOs and DONTs can you share about complaining from your experience?

5 Love Languages

In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman tells the story of Billy and Betty Jo from Little Rock, Arkansas. They were a couple whose home he stayed at prior to one of his marriage seminars, and like most of Gary’s clients, their marriage was in trouble. Gary observed that Bill was a workaholic who had little time left over for Betty Jo, and that Betty Jo worked part time, mainly to try to get out of the house. He assigned them one simply exercise: make a list of the things they like about each other, and twice a week, select one positive trait and express verbal appreciation for the spouse.

Gary called them two months later to see how it worked. Bill was much happier – Words of Affirmation was Bill's primary ‘love language’ and his attitude about the marriage really improved due to Betty Jo’s verbal appreciation. Betty Jo, on the other hand, thought things were a bit better – hardly a ringing endorsement. Gary observed that the ‘love language’ of one person is not necessarily the love language of another: One medicine cannot cure all diseases. Hence his book – the 5 Love Languages, where he lists what he believes are the 5 primary ways people speak and understand emotional love. They are:

·         Words of Affirmation: Using words that build up, either encouraging words, kind words, humble words, or other ways to affirm.

·         Quality time: Giving someone your undivided attention, either through focused attention, quality conversation, learning to talk (about yourself), or quality activities

·         Receiving gifts: Either visual symbols of love (that don’t have to be expensive!) or the ‘gift of self’

·         Acts of Service: Expressing love by doing things for your partner

·         Physical touch

He advocates identifying the one (and only one) primary love language of your partner and working on developing your ability to communicate in that language.

Just as important as Gary Coleman’s prescriptions, however, are the motivations he provides for why you should take the time to understand and meet the needs of your partner’s love language. He notes that most people begin a relationship by falling in love. Which is great! But the mistake is assuming that the “in-love obsession” will last forever. In reality, psychological studies have found that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. He therefore differentiates the in-love experience – a temporary and instinctual emotional high that can provide the foundation for a relationship – from “real love” – an intentional choice which requires effort and discipline. It takes effort to understand your partner’s emotional ‘language’ and address their needs, even if it’s a second language to you.

I found this analysis of falling in love versus real love a little jarring since it goes against a lot of our preconceptions. Gary thinks this shouldn't be so surprising; We shouldn’t expect falling in love to last forever, because it would be impossible for most people to get things done if it did.

Active-constructive responding

Imagine your partner tells you that they won two tickets to a baseball game. You respond in one of the following four ways:

• Option 1: “That’s great.”
• Option 2:  “Baseball games are really long. Do you have the time right now?”
• Option 3: “Awesome! Who is playing? How did you win the tickets? That’s going to be a great way to relax.”
• Option 4: “Can we talk about what happened to me today?”

There’s a clear winner – Option #3. This is an example of what Dr. Shelly Gable calls "active-constructive responding." It’s active because you are interested and asking questions, and constructive because you are building up their points. Contrast that to the first option (“That’s great”), which is passive-constructive, the second option (“Baseball games are really long…”), which is active-destructive and the final option (“Can we talk about me…”) which is passive-destructive. To no one’s surprise, Dr. Gable and her researchers found that active-constructive responding is the only one associated with strong relationships.

The first time I heard this, I had two problems with it.

First, active-constructive responding is SO MUCH BETTER than the alternatives, that the finding did not seem applicable to my life. I thought, “I’m a nice person -- OF COURSE I practice active-constructive responding.” Then I read about the experiences of Dr. Martin Seligman in Flourish. Dr. Seligman is considered to be the founder of positive psychology, and even teaches active-constructive responding. He shared an anecdote about how he taught the concept of active-constructive responding in a morning seminar, and then later in the afternoon went shopping in a bazaar with his family. Two of his daughters approached him, excited about a purchase they had made. Dr. Seligman’s first response was, “Didn’t you negotiate?” Classic active-destructive. You may be a better natural active-constructive responder than Marty Seligman, but chances are you're not.

The second problem I had with the active-constructive concept was that I don’t want to walk around being blindly positive my entire life. Maybe I DO think someone is too busy for a boring baseball game. Can’t I tell them that? What Dr. Gable’s research suggests is yes, you can, but watch your initial response. If you don’t feel constructive about the topic, maybe start by being active. Show that you’re interested by asking questions and sharing in their initial excitement (“I’m glad you’re excited. How did you win the tickets?”)…you’ll probably even find a genuinely positive thing to say about the experience (“I know the baseball game would be a great chance to relax with your co-workers”)… and then share your concerns.

Try being a little more specific than Jim

A related concept to active-constructive responding is Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on effective praise. The main takeaway is to praise details. Army sergeants are trained to praise specific skills – “Good job clearing that hurdle even though someone stepped on your foot” – rather than a vague “Way to go.” That’s because specific praise shows that (a) you were really watching and (b) the praise is authentic, rather than perfunctory. What works for the army can work for your relationship.

Try some active-constructive responding over the next 24 hours. When someone shares something with you that is somewhat positive, ask them a little more about their good news (be active) and build up the experience for them (be constructive). You don’t need to be overly effusive, just be yourself.

Let us know how it goes.

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